Embodied + Empowered

“These clothes were made for women with bodies like yours: thin and athletic. Not for women like me.”

I was stunned. This fabulously stylish 60ish year old woman was talking herself out of purchasing certain items of clothing while at the same time making me feel guilty about my body as I tried to help her find something she liked.

I found myself trying to talk my body down, saying “oh I have short arms and legs too, but that’s the body I was given,” and trying to be encouraging without intimidating with “well… I love to move my body and sweat one way or another pretty regularly” to make her feel better.

That whole interaction ended with her buying her items and left me feeling a few ways: frustrated, bewildered, and just sad. Mostly sad that even now, in such a body positive world (and city that I live in), women still have a hard time accepting and loving on their bodies. And interestingly enough, for those of us that feel proud of our bodies at times and feel good in our skin, we think it’s helpful to “be humble” and downplay our figures.

But let me be clear: we are not our bodies. We are not our skin, boobs, butt, thighs, shoulders. We are way more than that, and I hope that’s obvious. However, it’s been even more evident to me how hard women are on themselves and their bodies since I started working at lululemon, an athletic clothing brand.

After having experiences like the one at lulu, I realize that to some, bodies are important. And to a degree, they should be treated with respect. And love. I value my body because it carries me through this life on all my adventures and experiences. I even learn better with my body, when I can move it, using my hands. It’s because of bodies that I even have a profession. We are not our bodies exclusively, but again, they are important.

Body positivity and body love. What does that mean to you? For me, it’s about being aware. You can’t love what you don’t know or don’t choose to see. Which is why I decided to put myself out of my comfort zone and do a boudoir photoshoot with a dear friend of mine, Eunique.

Eunique and I have shot together multiple times, but never like this. I felt exposed, but she has the most calming effect that just makes you feel beautiful and seen. Like really seen. It took me a while to warm up being in front of the lens in the least amount of clothing I’ve ever shot in, and I wondered when I would finally feel comfortable just in my own skin. It made me notice (and in the end, appreciate) all the corners, grooves, dimples, dark spots, freckles, veins, and bones that make up MY BODY.

I was talking with a friend in particular about this shoot and how I thought she should try it, but she countered that she doesn’t like having her picture taken in regular scenarios, let alone in little to no clothes. Being as gentle and curious as I could, I asked where she thinks that feeling comes from, because my experiences in front of a camera have changed so much this past year, mostly because of my relationship to myself. We both concluded that for both of us, when we don’t feel worthy of the limelight, or not enough ____ (fill in your own blank), we don’t want the attention. Because we didn’t feel like we deserved it.

That hit heavily. For me, and maybe for a lot of women, I DO feel comfortable in my skin, most of the time. Maybe because attention isn’t always on my body, shape or form. But I’ll shy away from attention made on my body- good or bad-because I feel that my skin, or what’s inside it, isn’t worthy. That feeling of worth can change day to day, and has had me facing long-lived mindsets about my self-worth and confidence since I was a little girl. Interestingly enough, with the right therapy, deep self-reflection and growth over the past year, I’ve come to a new place: a level of worth that made me feel more curious about myself.

I have to say, when I came from a place of curiosity, I felt better about doing this shoot with Eunique.

It wasn’t easy to start. Like I said, it took a while to “warm up”. Even touching my own shoulders, back, and legs felt strange at first, as I put my body into different shapes with Euni’s guidance. I imagined what my family might say or think. But eventually, I grew more curious about what we could capture and mentally dove inward into my experience, as if it were a yoga practice.

AFTER IT ALL WENT DOWN, I FELT BETTER-ABOUT MYSELF. CONFIDENT. I HAD PRACTICED BEING EMBODIED AND THEN, EMPOWERED. AND I HADN’T EVEN SEEN THE FINAL EDITS.

My hope is that other women will want to experience the same. Blending Eunique’s vision with mine, a new dream has emerged. My vision is to have all women, through all layers of their lives, be curious enough to learn about themselves and then learn to love it all. Starting with learning about their bodies to their health, specifically pelvic, menstrual, hormonal, mental and sexual health, we want to give women the opportunity to feel empowered in an embodied boudoir photoshoot with Eunique in a safe space.

I WANT EVERY WOMAN TO FEEL WORTHY. BECAUSE THEY ARE.

If you’re interested in learning more, or experiencing this for yourself, click the link below. It will take you to Euni’s beautiful site where you can explore her portraiture work and so much more.

Here’s to being better at embodying + empowering.