My 3 Big Takeaways from Come as you are
When I first heard about this book, I knew I had to read it. I was one of many professionals taking a “Sexual Medicine in Pelvic Rehabilitation” course as my chosen continuing education for my physical therapy license. A little background on the course: there was information shared about “purity culture” and the trend that swept America up into shaming women, in particular, about their bodies and sex before marriage, and this course highlighted how this impacted women who were now married, but struggling with having, let alone enjoying, sex with their husbands.
I was shook. I thought, ‘Was this the culture that was shared with me that made me feel so stifled and incapable of having pleasurable sexual experiences? This was not only common, but observed in scientific research studies??’ I needed to know more, for my own sake. A woman in my course suggested this book, Come as you are, by Emily Nagoski.
It took me a few days to actually order it. I was worried I was making a sexual mountain out of a mole hill for myself, but in the end, I decided that more information about this wouldn’t hurt me to process. And I was right. It came (pun intended) at the perfect time, right before getting together with my friends Chelsea and Megan for a discussion about pleasure, sexuality, sensuality, and sex. I couldn’t put the book down and have been taking time to process and integrate a lot of Emily’s information and techniques into my own life as a holistic pelvic floor physical therapist and recovering sexual being.
Here are my three biggest takeaways from the book, which I’m open to discussing and sharing with you more about at a book club meeting for this book happening in April.
PLEASURE CAN ARRIVE IN THREE WAYS: ENJOYING, EXPECTING, AND EAGERNESS.
This is significant because while these three ways of “being” are individually important, the three of them combined give me a better understanding of why and what part is actually pleasurable for me. In the context of sex, you can be eagerly awaiting your partner to do something, which breeds excitement and expectation, but you’re not quite yet enjoying that act in the moment. This concept goes for ANYTHING pleasurable too, because this is a general map of how our brains work.
CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING.
One big realization I had about myself is how sex is a lot like surfing for me. Looking back at the MOST enjoyable times I’ve had surfing, it was when there was ample time to drive to a good spot, get ready slowly and just spend time floating and catching waves with no plans after that other than to scarf down a burrito after. I get anxious when I’ve got to get in the water early, trying to meet up with someone else, or need to be somewhere else directly after surfing (which means, I’ll need to go home, shower, and get ready for that event). So much unnecessary stress.
Overall, the context for sex is the same. If I don’t have ample time to wind down or unplug - and get turned on - then I struggle to enjoy myself. I’m too preoccupied to be focused on sensations in my body. The times I’ve most enjoyed myself (orgasm or not) was when I wasn’t strapped to time and had all of it in the world to be present with my partner. I could move slowly, concentrated on the smallest things and details in a good way, and experienced more pleasure.
A meta thought I had was that while I’m reading books like Come as you are, while in relationship and in the midst of a pleasurable experience, I get really head-y. I’m thinking about the book, analyzing while everything’s happening and have a difficult time staying present. So in the end, the connection of my head/mind/thoughts to my body is needing more work and attention by practicing being present. (Seems like a no brainer - even yogis like myself need that reminder).
For a lot of people, I think it’s important to look back at the times where you believe you experienced the most pleasure, and what DETAILS about that experience you remember made it so wonderful. Replicating that same context - your wellbeing, partner/relationship characteristics, setting, other life circumstances, and actual things you did - could help get you back in your body enough to enjoy it again. If you haven’t had a great experience to fall back and reflect on, I encourage you to just be open to new experiences, starting with experiencing YOURSELF. Begin building up a sacred stash of contexts that work for you when you get some alone time.
I AM DIFFERENT, AND ALSO VERY NORMAL.
And you should know, you are too. Emily drives this point home, over and over, so I want to drive this home too. I’m talking about your anatomy, mindset, AND your “yucks” and “yums.” I hope by now that everyone knows this, and I’m working very hard in my one-on-one conversations to spread this message. I know it’s sometimes easy to hear and hard to accept, but take it from someone who has seen and studied a lot in the department of sexual health. Unless you’re experiencing displeasurable pain, remember that there is a spectrum for it all, and everyone is normal.
While I think that knowledge is power, it’s what you do with that knowledge that matters. I loved this book, and realized that a lot of my community has either read it already or wanted to get their own copy to devour. Be sure to share your thoughts on it below, so we can all see and grow together embodied and empowered.
